


The Fourth Estate

by kethni



Category: The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:16:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3237701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni





	The Fourth Estate

Week One  
  
At 19:27 on 18th June 2006, Mary McKorkindale sits down to watch the rough-cut of the pilot episode of a new docu-drama which has been commissioned by her channel.

   
By 19:56 she has a small list of notes and a warm feeling, right in her Gucci wallet.   
  
At 9:10 on 19th June, she goes to a small, but cosmopolitan police station in London.   
  
 

“He's perfect,” she insists to the confused and rather worried Superintendent.   
  
 

“He's just a PC, he doesn't do anything exciting,” Superintendent Moore says, with more hope than conviction.   
  
 

“It isn't about what he does; it's about who he _is_.”   
  
 

“He's a policeman.”   
  
 

“Trust me, Mr Moore; the public are going to _love_ him,” Mary promises.   
  
 

***

  
“I don't want to do it,” Luke says at once. He is sitting in Superintendent Moore’s office with his ankles neatly crossed and his hands fidgeting together in his lap.  
  
 

“But lad; you didn't mind being filmed before,” Superintendent Moore observes.   
  
 

“Yeah, but that was when _everyone_ was being filmed.” Luke glances nervously at Mary.   
  
 

“Luke, do you really want to give up this opportunity to make a difference?” Mary asks winningly.   
  
 

“What do you mean?” Luke asks, surprised.   
  
 

“You’re a nice, normal bloke, Luke. This is your chance to show the public a different side to the stereotype. A good copper, good bloke, ordinary and decent. No hysterics, no mincing around, and no pandering to popular prejudice.”   
  
 

It's a compelling argument and it stops Luke in his tracks.   
  
“Am I?”   
  
 

“Yes, you are. Now, I know from the film that you had some problems coming to terms with that side of things, but don't you think things would have been easier for you, if there’d been a really positive role model for you to look up to?”   
  
 

 

_There was_ , Luke thinks sadly, _but I was too stupid to see it._

 

“Now, wait a minute!” Superintendent Moore interjects. “I don’t know what you’ve told the DAC, but my officers are not fodder for you to exploit and hold up to public ridicule.”  
  
 

“Superintendent, you have entirely the wrong impression. This will be a very positive programme. Please remember that the police service has a terrible reputation amongst minority groups.”   
  
 

“I'm not a group,” Luke says sharply.   
  
 

“No, you’re a person. That's the point, Luke; a person with hopes, fears and ambitions, just like everyone else.”   
  
 

“I won't have my officers used as propaganda tools,” Superintendent Moore almost snarls, as Luke stares at him in astonishment.   
  
 

“Mr Moore, there’s no way around it. I have the agreement of your superiors to film. We all know that corners must be cut to do the job, and I'll admit it makes great TV, but not great publicity. Luke here could be a fantastic role model, not just for other police officers; but for hundreds of thousands of confused young men, who imagine that they’re the only ones who feel terrified and alone. There are so many young men who don't want to dress up like Lily Savage, or mince about; who want to be coppers, or soldiers who watch footy and sink pints. There are so many young men who can't find anyone to tell them where they fit in.”   
  
 

“You can’t possibly exploit him in this way.” Superintendent Moore locks eyes with her.   
  
 

“I'm going to make your constable an icon. If that means him baring his soul, then so be it.”   
  
 

“I don't want to be an icon!” Luke says in alarm.

 

“You can be a hero, Luke; a role model, just think how impressed your boyfriend will be.”   
  
 

***

 

19th June 10:21  
  
“I don't have a boyfriend,” Luke says, as he drives down the road in the panda car.   
  
 

“Would you like one?” Kris Mathis asks. She is young and hungry, but not quite ruthless enough to be a world class journalist.   
  
 

“Oh, well, you know how it is,” Luke says awkwardly, the subject is not a happy one.   
  
 

“Not really,” Kris says gently.

 

“There was someone. I treated him really badly,” he forces the words out. “I miss him. When I dated, I always ended up wishing I was with him instead. It’s not very fair on them, and obviously I didn't get many second dates.” Luke tries to laugh, but it sounds strangled.

 

“Why don’t you get in touch with him?”

 

“I ruined his life. That sounds melodramatic, doesn’t it?”

 

“Not the way you say it.”

 

“He was pretty happy, I think, when I met him,” Luke says quietly. “He split up with his boyfriend, but he coped with it okay. Some guys are screwed up, but he was grounded; he didn’t have any hang-ups, or anything. In this job you see some terrible things and some dreadful people. But not him. He was a genuinely good bloke, and so strong you would think he could cope with anything.” Luke pulls up at a red light and sighs deeply. “The last time I saw him he was a wreck.” Luke turns and looks at Kris, ignoring the camera she is holding. “That was my fault. I did it, I destroyed him. The least I can do is leave him alone, don’t you think?”

 

“What did you do?” Kris asks very gently. Luke turns his attention back to the road as the light changes to green, and he pulls away from the lights.

 

“I did lots of stuff, awful stuff.” Luke shrugs. “Can we talk about something else?”

 

“Sure.” Kris is relieved really, she doesn’t want to be in a car with a teary driver. Now he has opened up a little, he is more likely to open up in future. “Why did you join the police force?”

 

“Police service, not police force,” Luke corrects with a smile. “Force has bad connotations.”

 

***

 

“Oh, that’s good.” Mary grins at the footage. “He’s vulnerable, cute, and pining for his ex.”

 

“We could have trouble with releases if he talks about the ex-boyfriend,” Kris suggests.

 

“Let’s see what he says first, shall we? He doesn’t look like he’s about to start slandering him,”

 

“I feel a little mean. He’s so raw,” Kris admits.

 

“You know what would be fabulous?” Mary grins. “Finding the ex-boyfriend.”

 

“No, absolutely no way,” Kris says sharply. “We promised Luke we would look after him. If the ex is as bitter as Luke suggests, then he isn’t going to cast Luke in a good light.”

 

“Think about it.” Mary shrugs. “You never know, you might be doing him a favour.”     

 

***

 

21st June 7:56

 

“It must be a pain having odd rest days,” Kris muses.

 

“It is at first.” Luke nods. “But you get used to it, like everything else. It bugs my mum. She never knows if I’m going to be at work, or asleep when she wants to ring me.”

 

“Are you close to her?”

 

“Yeah.” Luke smiles. “She’s great, but my shifts make it difficult to see her sometimes.”

 

“It must screw up your social life something rotten,” she says sympathetically.

 

“I’m not much of a party animal.” Luke shrugs. “After I was outed I went to a few gay clubs, but I didn’t much like them. Not my thing.”

 

“Someone else outed you?”

 

“My ex-wife did. We were still married at the time.” Luke sighs deeply and signals to turn.

 

“Why did she do that?”

 

“I don’t know. She was angry and drunk. We were at a colleague’s wedding reception. We’d already split up. Everyone thought it was because she’d lost the baby. I didn’t correct them, and for some reason that night; she just flipped. She got up on the stage and announced I was gay.”

 

“That’s terrible!” Kris is genuinely shocked. Luke glances at her, pain sketched across his face.

 

“I probably deserved it. I did love her, but not the way she wanted. I think she knew the clincher was the baby.” Luke sighs and looks away. “I had a kind of an ultimatum. My wife, or the man I’d hurt so many times before. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be brave, but I’m a coward; and Kerry, my wife, was pregnant. I wanted to be a dad so much it hurt, and at the time I didn’t want to be gay. So I abandoned him, and instead of being honest with Kerry, I lied to her yet again.”

 

“You didn’t want to be gay?” Kris almost flinches at the look Luke flashes her.

 

“I was a married policeman with a baby on the way. Of course I didn’t.”

 

“It’s difficult being openly gay in the police service?”

 

“I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to say that being a gay copper is more difficult than anything else. Anyone who isn’t white, male, and straight can be a target for bullies. Whenever you get a group of men who spend a lot of time together you get this… _pack_ mentality. It’s not just coppers.”

 

“When did you know you were gay?” Kris asks curiously.

 

“I kept telling myself I wasn’t. I suppose it was when I met Joe, which sounds awful.”

 

“Why? Is he the man you think you hurt so badly?”

 

“No, and that’s why.”

 

“I don’t understand,” Kris admits. Luke sighs and chews his lip.

 

“Craig was the first man I ever kissed. Afterwards I tried to blame him, like he was ‘forcing’ me to be attracted to him. I convinced myself I wasn’t gay and that it was just hero worship. I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone, and I couldn’t cope with it. Joe started chasing me and I was attracted to him, but it wasn’t the same as I felt for Craig. But it was enough to prove that it wasn’t just hero worship I felt for Craig.” Luke glances at Kris. “Kerry reckoned I worshipped the ground Craig walked on. She thought it was cute.”

 

“She wasn’t concerned?”

 

“She thought I was straight, and besides she had a massive crush on him herself. If he’d somehow turned straight overnight, then Kerry would have kicked me out in two seconds flat.” Luke laughs lightly. “Of course if he’d turned straight overnight, she would have had to queue up for him. Half the girls in the nick would have happily shown him the ropes!”

 

Kris laughs along with him.

 

“He’s that good looking?”

 

“Yeah, but it isn’t just that. Kerry liked the whole ‘decent’ thing, she liked that Craig would back you up if you were in the right. He wasn’t interested in office politics. If you were wrong he told you; if you were right, he’d back you to the hilt. If you were in a mess, he’d do whatever he could to help you out, without a price, he just did it. I lost track of the amount of jams he got me and Kerry out of. Not just us, all of the relief.”

 

“Is that what she was attracted to?”

 

“Partly. I think more than anything, she liked that he was such a grown-up. He was serious and committed in his relationships, he wasn’t promiscuous or a leech.” Luke grins cheekily. “Of course being stunningly handsome didn’t hurt!”  

 

“How did he feel about her?”

 

“I don’t think Craig would know what to do with a girl! I think he was fond of her. They both got dumped at the same time. Craig’s boyfriend dumped him at the same time as Kerry’s fiancé chucked her. There was some mutual commiseration I think. He was nicer to her than I was to Carl, and he had more reason to be awful to her.” Luke turns the corner.

 

“Who’s Carl?”

 

“I kissed Craig, then I panicked, and when he tried to talk to me, I ran away. That’s when I asked Kerry out. He tried to talk to me again, tried to help me, but I told him the kiss meant nothing. I even told him I’d done it to take the mickey. A few weeks later I found out he was going out with a new bloke. Turned out it was someone I’d gone to school with.”

 

“Carl?”

 

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I kept telling myself it bothered me so much because it was Carl. Even when we were at school I thought he was a jerk. The truth is, I was jealous. I would have been jealous of anyone, but Carl just didn’t deserve Craig.” Luke shakes his head.

 

“You think a great deal of Craig, don’t you?”

 

Luke shrugs, blushing deeply.

 

“How do you think he’s going to feel when he sees this?”

 

“What?”

 

“When he sees this documentary and hears you say how sorry you are, and that you miss him.”

 

“He’s not going to watch any documentary with me in it!” Luke forces himself to laugh.

 

“You don’t know that,” Kris says, a little surprised. “In part this is about the difficulties of being gay in the police service. He’s gay and he knows you. I would have thought they were good reasons to watch the series.”

 

“It doesn’t work like that.” Luke shrugs. “He’s not interested in gay ‘lifestyle’ stuff. There’s ‘gay’, small ‘g’, which is when you’re attracted to the same gender; and then there’s ‘Gay’, capital ‘G’. That is the lifestyle stuff. We never really talked about it in detail, but I’d bet you anything that Craig isn’t into Gay Culture. He’s not going to watch something just because it has a gay theme. We aren’t all Peter Tatchell!”

 

“Well, no; but he might watch it to see you.”

 

“It was more than three years ago. The best I can hope for is indifference. He has every reason to hate me.”

 

“You seem very hard on yourself,” Kris says quietly.

 

“You don’t know the way I treated him,” Luke says sharply.

 

“Does it bother you thinking that he might see this?”

 

“I wouldn’t like to think that it would upset him,” Luke says thoughtfully. “I don’t want that.”  

 

“Do you still care for him?” She hates herself for asking.

 

“Yes,” Luke says shortly. “Time for breakfast I think.”

 

***

 

“Do you get special training to use the camera?” Luke asks as Kris gulps down coffee.

 

“Multi-tasking even gets journalists.” Kris shrugs.

 

“Is it still running?” Luke nods at the camera propped up on the side.

 

“Sure, if one of us gets food all over our face, the network can sell the tape to ‘It’ll Be Alright On The Night’. Waste not, want not, I suppose.” She smiles and shrugs.

 

“It freaks me out,” Luke says honestly.

 

“Then why agree to do it?”

 

“I wasn’t sure. Your boss said I could help people like me, you know; that were scared and confused? I quite liked that idea, but the Superintendent figured she was just saying that to get me to say yes. He said he wasn’t having one of his officers exploited. But she went running to the DAC who’d arranged it in the first place. The DAC seems to think that I’d be good publicity, which just proves she doesn’t know me I guess!” Luke laughs around his mouthful of food.

 

“Winning brownie points with your superiors has got to be worth a go,” Kris remarks. “If this works well, it won’t do me any harm either.”

 

“What am I going to do with brownie points?” Luke shrugs. “I’m not ambitious.”

 

“You don’t want to be a PC for your entire career, do you?”

 

“I wouldn’t want to be a sergeant,” Luke says definitely. “Management is _so_ not my thing.”

 

“They don’t do that much management, do they? They’re only one rank above you.”

 

“Uniform sergeants do. Uniform sergeants do more direct management than any other rank I reckon. The Detective Sergeants don’t do so much, but there are far fewer constables to sergeants in CID than there are in uniform.”

 

“Don’t you fancy trying out detective work?”

 

“No, I would be terrible. I can’t even do basic undercover work. Me and Gary got sent to a dodgy club one time to try out as barmen. Gary was all ‘I’ve worked in this club and that club’, and I was just ‘er what?’ It was embarrassing.” Luke rolls his eyes.

 

“Is Gary another officer at Hammer Street?”

 

“No, at Sun Hill. He was a probationer, I was the experienced officer. He’s a TDC now.”

 

“So, you’re happy to pound the beat for the rest of your career?” Kris raises her eyebrows.

 

“You say that like there’s some shame in it,” Luke says wryly.

 

“It just seems a waste, that’s all.”

 

“I like being a copper. I don’t want to be a sergeant, and I’d be a terrible detective.” Luke shrugs. “They tried to put me in CSU once.” He pulls a mildly disgusted face.

 

“That’s Community Safety, isn’t it?”

 

“Little old ladies on a good day, and battered wives on a bad day.”

 

“You didn’t fancy it?”

 

“Don’t mind little old ladies.” Luke licks sauce off his lips. “I quite like little old ladies, even if they do talk to me like a six year old.”

 

“What about battered wives?”

 

“Had enough of that at home when I was a kid, thanks very much.” Luke snorts.

 

“Oh,” Kris says blankly, completely thrown.

 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Luke gulps down tea. “You think that I should want to help women like my mum, and kids like us. It doesn’t work like that. We had coppers and social workers around all the time when I was a nipper, and it just made my mum all the more desperate to pretend that everything was okay. People being battered and abused have to be ready to accept help. You try and force it on them, and they just dig in.”

 

“What about the kids? They don’t dig in surely?” Kris asks weakly.

 

“Oh, they’re worse!” Luke half laughs. “Little kids especially! The worse the pig treats them, the more desperate they are for him to love them. When they get old enough, they’re easier to reason with. See, it makes me sound like I’m really cynical and that’s why I couldn’t work in CSU. But it’s not that. I couldn’t work in CSU, because I’d take every battered wife and beaten kiddy to heart. I can’t do it. I’d end up drinking myself into an early grave.”

 

***

 

25th June 18:08  

 

“Are you going to be able to sustain this over six weeks?” Mary almost beams at Kris.

 

“Six weeks of PC Ashton?” Kris asks astonished.

 

“Obviously we’ll have to see about the ratings, but the test audience _loved_ him. The previews were rough-cuts, but they were still very positive and the publicity wagon’s rolling.”

 

“He was quite uncomfortable about the photo-shoot,” Kris says guiltily.

 

“Were you filming?”

 

“Yes, which was a little peculiar I must say.”

 

“How does he feel about the show being transmitted tomorrow?” Mary asks.

 

“He’s a little anxious.”

 

“Is he anxious about the ex-boyfriend’s reaction?” Mary’s eyes light up.

 

“No. He doesn’t think Craig will even watch it.”

 

“That’s what he thinks, or that’s what he hopes?”

 

“It’s what he thinks.” Kris smiles rather sadly.

 

***

 

Week Two

 

27th June 7:19

 

(The morning after thefirst episode has been aired)

 

“Morning, Luke.” Kris climbs into the panda next to Luke, aware of his icy demeanour. Luke just nods and starts the engine. Kris waits patiently until the silence is too much to cope with.

 

“I take it you aren’t happy with the episode last night?”

 

Luke just shrugs and doesn’t look at her.

 

“If I turn off the camera, will you talk to me?”

 

“My mum watched that,” Luke says finally.

 

“The test audience loved you. The reviews loved you. Everyone thought we were showing you in a very sympathetic light. We weren’t trying to stitch you up. What did your mum say?”

 

“I haven’t spoken to her. I was in bed. I watched it before I came to work,” Luke admits.

 

“You didn’t like how you came over?”

 

“I looked like a right cry-baby.” Luke shrugs. “I suppose there’s a limit to the positive spin you can put on these things. It would take Steven Spielberg to make me look good.” He gives a half-smile.

 

“You want to look like a thick, insensitive thug? You came across as hard working, dedicated, compassionate; and I admit it, a little vulnerable.”

 

“I’m a _police officer_. I’m not supposed to be vulnerable!” Luke retorts.

 

***

 

27th June 19:32

 

“You want us to broadcast you and he having breakfast?” Mary asks quizzically.

 

“He answers a phone call just after I go to the toilet. Wait until you hear it.”

 

Mary fast forwards until Luke answers his phone, and then she plays the film at normal speed and turns up the volume.

 

***

 

“Hello?” Luke asks. “Hello, is there anyone there? Oh, hello!”

 

***

 

“What does he look so happy about?” Mary asks.

 

***

 

“No, I’m just stuffing my face. It’s nice to hear your voice, Craig.” Luke’s face is flushed pink. “Did you? I was sure you wouldn’t want to watch it, even if you knew about it.”

 

***

 

“That’s never the ex-boyfriend?” Mary asks, astonished. Kris grins and nods.

 

***

 

“That’s what I thought.” Luke nods. “So, how come you saw it if you were on duty?” Luke strokes his hair and smiles. “I didn’t know you had a sister, I thought you were an only child.” Luke giggles and shrugs. “Because we had that conversation about cars, and you said you used to sit between your parents on long car journeys.”

 

***

 

“Quite the little flirt, isn’t he?” Kris smirks.

 

“Shame it isn’t a video phone.”

 

***

 

“Oh, how much younger is she? Wow, that must have been a shock for you, ten years as an only child, and suddenly you’ve got a baby sister. Where does she live?”

 

***

 

“Have we got a full name for the ex?”

 

“No, just Craig. Could be his first name, or surname, I suppose.”

 

***

 

“If she’s in Swansea, then how did you get the video this morning?” Luke is twisting his hair behind his ear as he talks. “What! She drove all the way from Wales? Why did she do that?” Luke’s face fills with pain and sympathy. “Well, that’s understandable after everything that happened. Was she right? Did it cheer you up watching the video?” Luke listens intently.

 

***

 

“Look at that smile,” Mary says admiringly.

 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

 

***

 

“I’m so glad,” Luke says quietly. “I didn’t think you would watch it, but I would hate to think I’d upset you by anything I said. I’m so sorry for everything that I did.”

 

***

 

“Tell me that isn’t all there is?” Mary demands.

 

“Just wait.”

 

***

 

“Oh! Oh, yes; I’d like that!” Luke’s face lights up. “No, that would be wonderful.” He gives a deep throaty chuckle. “No, she’s gone to the toilet, but the camera’s here,” Luke glances at the camera, grins ironically and waves at it. “I was really hacked off when I saw it last night.”

 

***

 

“He was so mad he didn’t want to talk to me,” Kris confides.

 

“I bet you’re his best friend now.” Mary sniggers.

 

***

 

“I looked wet. I get enough stick without blubbering on the TV.” Luke frowns, listening intently. “I always got the piss taken out of me, even before I got outed. I just get fed up of people thinking that I’m a cry-baby and a coward.” Luke rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. “Well, my dad for one. He always said I was too soft.” Luke smiles a little. “Yeah, I know, but it matters when you’re a little kid. Everyone always said it at Hendon too, ‘little Luke Ashton, too sensitive to be a police officer’. I didn’t want to be too sensitive. I wanted to be like everyone else. I just really wanted to fit in with everyone else.”

 

Luke twists around and looks over his shoulder. “Thanks, that means a lot to me,” he says very quietly. “She’s coming back. She’s going to see all this anyway, but I’d rather not have her here when I’m talking to you.” Luke smiles sweetly. “Because she’d distract me, and I want to give you my full attention.”

 

***

 

“What were you doing in there all that time?”

 

“The lock got stuck.” Kris blushes.

 

***

 

“Okay, that would be fantastic. Yeah, I will. Bye!”

 

“Am I interrupting?” Kris asks brightly.

 

“Are you alright? You’ve gone all red.” 

 

“The lock got stuck. You can talk! I’ve never seen you look so happy.”

 

“Craig rang me!” He bursts out. “Just now, he rang me!”

 

“You’re kidding.” Kris stares at him. “Are you going to see him?”

 

“He said he’ll ring me later. He does a lot of overtime so he might not finish on time.” Luke punches buttons on his mobile. “Sorry, but she’ll kill me if I don’t tell her straight off.”

 

“Hello?  Kerry, this is Luke. Hi. Did you? I thought I came over like a marred little brat. Thanks a lot!” Luke listens intently for a few minutes. “That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Craig just rang me. Yeah, really! Isn’t it great? He said he was okay, but he would say that. Because he always puts a brave face on things, he never shows just how badly hurt he is.” Luke laughs lightly. “Well, yeah, I guess it is a male flaw. We’re going to have a proper chat.” Luke blushes deeply. “Kerry! Wash your mouth out! I’m sure that’s not why he rang me.” Luke rolls his eyes. “Of course he’s only human. You know as well as I do that there are probably cute, eligible, gay men stacked ten deep just waiting for a shot with him. That’s nice of you to say that, Kerry; but, I’m not getting my hopes up. Yeah, she’s here.” Luke looks across at Kris. “Uh-huh. Yeah, I know that. I will, you too. Bye.”

 

Luke puts the phone away and smiles at Kris. “After everything I did to her I figured I owed her the truth, especially as she might see me talking about it.”

 

“You still talk to her even after what she did to you?” Kris asks, genuinely astonished.

 

“It was a long time ago.” Luke shrugs. “We’ve forgiven each other.”

 

“That’s very understanding. How does Craig feel about it? Outing people isn’t really de rigueur, is it; unless he’s militant?”

 

“Oh, no; I don’t think he’s like that. He’s very broadminded about that sort of thing. What people do in the privacy of their own homes is their business, as long as they’re within the law.”

 

“Does Kerry know about Craig then?” Kris asks suddenly. “You were talking to her, as if she knew all about your relationship with him.”

 

“We never got as far as a relationship,” Luke says sadly. “But Kerry has a pretty good outline of events. She’s been a good friend to me since the divorce.”

 

“How does she feel about Craig now that she knows the truth?”

 

“She thinks he’s nuts.” Luke laughs. “That’s not fair. She makes jokes about his lousy taste in men, but she’s got a romantic streak a mile wide. The things I did to her and Craig I did in cowardice and deceit, and that was much harder to forgive.”

 

“You talk as if she were still fond of him.”

 

“I’m sure she is. She has a very warm heart, even if she does have a filthy mind!”

 

*** 

 

“So, I take it that Craig is out then?” Kris asks.

 

“Oh, yeah.” Luke laughs lightly. “I heard that the day he started at the station he made the standard speech, and then at the end he went, ‘oh, by the way the rumours are true, I am a poof!’”

 

Kris laughs along with him.

 

“He did that in front of a load of coppers?”

 

“Damn right! Craig never makes any excuses for himself. Why should he?” Luke says hotly. “If anyone else has a problem with that, then that’s too bad. “

 

“You feel strongly about being open about your sexuality?”

 

“I feel strongly about being made to feel guilty, and dirty, and wrong. All because some Neanderthal thinks I’m going to try and ‘turn’ him.” Luke glances at Kris sideways.

 

“What?” She asks.

 

“You’ve got an expression like you want to ask me something, but you think I’ll get angry.”

 

“I was wondering if you’d ever been attracted to a Neanderthal,” Kris says meekly.

 

“I’ve thought blokes were attractive. No Neanderthals. There’s a big difference between thinking someone’s attractive, and _being attracted_. The only man I’ve ever been nuts about is Craig.”

 

“He sounds like a strong character.”

 

“He’s stronger than me,” Luke says simply. “Being out can be hard, but at every GPA meeting I go to, everyone always says how much better it is now. I don’t know how people managed years ago.”

 

“That’s the Gay Police Association?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I thought that it was the LGPA?”

 

“It used to be, but they changed the name to be a bit more encompassing, you know? Gay, lesbians, and bisexuals.”

 

***

 

“Where’s the rest?” Mary frowns.

 

“That’s the only good stuff. After that he spent the day chasing around after vandals.”

 

***

                                                           

27th June 06:13

 

(Earlier on that same day)

 

Craig opens his eyes a crack and winces at the sunlight streaming through the curtain. He reaches out for the tissues on the bedside table and blots his eyes. Someone is ringing his front door bell, but they can wait until he can see again.

 

***

 

“What the hell’s wrong with your eyes?”

 

“I’ve got a migraine,” Craig says wearily. “I didn’t know you were coming down, Faye.”

 

He lets her in to the house and locks the door.

 

“I’ve just driven down.” Faye dumps her jacket and backpack down on the couch, and flourishes a VHS tape.

 

“Why?”

 

“Sit down, Craigy,” she says kindly. “I’ll get you a cold flannel for your eyes.”

 

“Didn’t think you knew what the kitchen was for,” Craig says archly.

 

“Duh, it’s for the fridge. If there’s no kitchen, there isn’t any fridge, and that means warm booze. Also, if there’s no kitchen, then there isn’t a cutlery drawer, which means no bottle opener!” Faye presses a square of wetted kitchen roll against Craig’s eyes.

 

“How’s university life?” Craig asks archly.

 

“Blissful, my love; but this is half term.” Faye peels the roll from Craig’s eyes and dabs them dry with a fresh piece. “How’s that?”

 

“Much better, are you here to crash or something?”

 

“No, Craigy; I’m here entirely on a mission of mercy. Did you see it last night?”

 

“See what?”

 

“Obviously you didn’t.” Faye flicks her hair out of her face. “The kettle’s just boiled; tea or coffee?”

 

“Coffee.”

 

***

 

“So, what’s this mission of mercy?” Craig prompts. Faye sprawls back against the couch, making her cropped t-shirt ride up, and her hipster jeans slip down showing her pierced navel, complete with dolphin tattoo.

 

“Luke Ashton.” Faye lowers her gazes politely.

 

“What about him?” Craig asks quietly.

 

“He’s a cute lad. I prefer them a little older myself, but he’s a lovely, sensitive little soul,” Faye says with no trace of irony or humour. She meets his bewildered expression and smiles gently. “You have no idea what I’m talking about, have you?”

 

“Not a clue.” Craig swallows. “He’s in Wales?”

 

Faye silently holds up the VHS tape.

 

“Put this on. It’s thirty minutes long, so I’ll go and have some breakfast, if that’s okay with you.”

 

***

 

Faye opens the kitchen door.

 

“Craigy? You okay?” She notes that the television has been turned off, and Craig is curled up in a foetal ball on the couch. Faye sits next to him and puts her head on his shoulder. “I know what you’re thinking.”

 

“Do you?” Craig’s voice is muffled.

 

“You’re thinking that it was filmed last year, and that by now his feelings will be different.”

 

“It’s really annoying when you tell me what I think. It’s even more annoying that you’re right.”

 

“I’m right, and you’re wrong.” Faye ruffles his hair and he looks up at her. “It’s been hyped up all over the television, and in all the entertainment magazines. They wanted it to be topical. It wasn’t filmed last year. It was filmed last week.” Faye smiles at the expression on Craig’s face.

 

“Last week?”

 

“If you hadn’t been so busy gawping at his pretty face, you’d have seen the headlines on the newspapers.”

 

“Are you sure?” Craig whispers.

 

“Yes,” Faye says simply. Craig frowns and stands up.

 

“More coffee.”

 

“Big brother,” Faye says gently. “I’ve driven through the night to show you that. Your face lit up like a kid at Christmas when you realised it was recent. Now you want a cup of coffee? Reassure me.”

 

Craig kisses her forehead tenderly.

 

“Thank you so much,” he says softly and walks into the kitchen.

 

***

 

“Have you finished?” Faye asks when Craig reappears and hands her a mug of coffee.

 

“Finished what?” He asks, smiling slightly.

 

“Thinking about what you’re going to do,” Faye asks, sipping her coffee.

 

“No, I haven’t finished.” Craig curls up on the couch and smiles teasingly at her.

 

“Well, you look better than you have in ages.”

 

“Cheeky.” Craig grins, but Faye is completely serious.

 

“Can I meet him?”

 

“Why?” Craig asks, suddenly on edge.

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

 

“Rubbish!” Faye mocks gently. “You never think things through; you decide on gut instinct, and then try to justify your decision. So, what do you want to do, Craigy? What are you trying to justify?”

 

“Talk to him,” Craig admits. “I just want to talk to him.”

 

“He’s very cute,” Faye says mildly. “Are you getting enough, Craigy?”

 

“Bitch,” Craig says without rancour.

 

“If a girl can’t compare notes with her gay, big brother; then what’s the point?” Faye says sweetly.

 

“I don’t know if I could bear to touch him anyway. Not after everything.”

 

“So, what are you going to talk about?”

 

“I haven’t decided that I am yet,” Craig says stubbornly. Faye rolls her eyes and hands him the cordless phone. “I haven’t even shaved!” He protests.

 

“He can’t see you, Craigy,” she says in exasperation.

 

“If I feel unkempt, then I’m going to come over that way.”

 

“You’re nuts,” Faye says affectionately.

 

***

 

“Have you thought of growing a beard?” Faye rests her trainer clad feet on the coffee table. “It would save you huge amounts of time.”

 

“Not while I’m in the police service.” Craig rubs his hands over his thighs.

 

“Are you nervous, big brother?”

 

“Just a bit.” Craig searches through the numbers on his mobile phone, and then keys one into the cordless phone.

 

“I’ll make you some breakfast while you ring, shall I?” Faye offers sympathetically.

 

“No,” Craig says quickly. “But don’t say anything.”

 

Craig can’t get the words out at first. He takes a deep breath at the sound of Luke’s voice.

 

“Hello, Luke,” Craig squeaks. “It’s, um, it’s Craig.” He takes slow, deep breaths at Luke’s delighted response. “Are you, I mean; is this a bad time to call?” Craig looks up as Faye hands him a glass of water. “Yeah, you too. I, um, I saw your starring role. I’ve been on nights all month; I hadn’t heard anything about it.” Craig sips the water.

 

“Well, my sister is doing her thesis on depictions of alternate sexuality in the media, so she tapes anything that sounds even vaguely related. She turned up on my doorstep a little while ago waving this VHS at me.” Faye grins and waggles her eyebrows at him. “You thought I was an only child? Why? Do you think I play badly with others?” It’s surprising how easy it is to flirt. “That’s your excuse is it?” He teases. “Faye’s my little sister. When my dad had his Ford Consul, she hadn’t even been born.” Craig sticks his tongue out at Faye while Luke replies. “Ten years younger than me. She’s going to university in Wales, but she’s on half term and staying with our parents in Swansea.” Craig gulps down a mouthful of water. “She drove down.”

 

Craig sighs deeply. “I was off sick for six months. I was on restricted duties for four months after that. I didn’t think it would be so hard going back to work. Faye has no respect for my privacy, so she knew how hard I was finding it to try and meet people.” Craig throws Faye a knowing look. “I think she thought it would cheer me up.” He closes his eyes, imagining Luke. “Yeah, yeah, it did. It cheered me up just seeing you.” Faye turns away and wipes her eyes. “No, I wasn’t upset. It was a little raw I suppose. I admire you being able to be that open with your feelings.”

 

“Luke, we don’t have to talk about this right now. You’re probably really busy, it’s unfair of me to just ring you, and expect you to drop everything to talk to me. Um, if you wanted, we could meet up and talk properly? Only, if that’s what you want. I’m not putting any kind of pressure on you.” Faye snorts with sympathetic laughter. “You would? Oh, great. Well, I’ll call you later maybe, and we can arrange a time to meet up? I’d hate to set a time, and then one of us gets stuck working over. Would that be a problem?”

 

Craig realises he’s holding his breath. “Is the reporter there?” Faye turns and raises her eyebrows. “Hacked off? You were annoyed? Why?” Craig is frowning and shaking his head, even though Luke can’t see him. “I think you’re being unfair on yourself. Who thinks you’re a coward and a cry baby?” Craig’s face darkens. “I’ve met your father. He isn’t worth bothering about.” It’s the least offensive thing that he can think of to say. “You do fit in, Luke. Everyone at Sun Hill liked you. Why does being a caveman make them better? You’re the strongest person I know, Luke. I wouldn’t have the strength to bare my soul on national TV!” Craig listens for a minute and then laughs a little. “Why don’t you want her around while I’m on the phone? Well, I wouldn’t want you distracted. How about if I ring you this evening at about six, and we can work out what to do? Yeah? Good, you take care of yourself, Luke. Bye.”

 

***                                                                 

 

“Did Mum or Dad see that?”

 

“I don’t think so.” Faye tucks into a bowlful of cornflakes. “Not that it’s easy to tell you know. It’s not like Dad’s going to suddenly pop his head around the door and say, ‘hello there, love; did you see that little fairy plod on the telly saying how much he fancies our Craigy?’ Or, Mum…?”

 

“Fairy plod?” Craig smiles at her. “That’s a weird image.”

 

“He’s a bit ethereal, isn’t he though? Delicate little soul he is. Not your usual type.”

 

***

 

June 27th 17:53

 

“Why you are still here?” Craig asks, tired and worn from a day of constant anxiety.

 

“To make sure you ring your little fairy.” Faye lays sprawled across the sofa. “To find out what happens, without having to drag it out of you kicking and screaming. So there.”

 

“I’m not going to ring him when you’re lolling about like Lady Muck.”

 

“Who’s a fraidy-cat then?”

 

“What if he’s changed his mind?” Craig asks quietly.

 

“What if he hasn’t?” Faye shrugs. “If you don’t call him, I will.”

 

“Oh yes?” Craig mocks.

 

“Yes.”

 

“And say what?”

 

“My big brother fancies you,” Faye says in a childish, sing-song voice. Craig flings a cushion at her.

 

“Go away and let me get changed.”

 

“Ring him! You said you’d ring at six. If you don’t phone him soon, he’ll think you’re standing him up.”

 

“I’m going to phone. I just want to get changed first. Push off for a bit and let me.”

 

“Fine!” Faye throws her hands in the air. “I’m going to the shops. I’ll expect a full and complete report!”

 

***

 

June 27th 18:02

 

“Hi, Luke?” Craig’s voice shakes. “Sorry I’m a bit late. Is this a bad time?”

 

***

                                                 

June 27th 19:40

 

The Cubs Den

 

Luke arrives at the very elegant bar twenty minutes early. He is stiff and uncomfortable in freshly washed stonewash jeans, a tight white t-shirt and a heavy suede jacket. He wanders into the bar feeling too casually dressed amongst the designer clothes.

 

“Can I have a beer please?” Luke asks the barman.

 

“It’s on me,” offers a strikingly handsome man with bright blue eyes and black hair.

 

“Oh, no, thank you; I’m meeting someone,” Luke answers politely.

 

“I’m over there if you change your mind.” He smiles winningly and slinks off to the corner.

 

“Have you been here before?” The barman asks, sliding a beer across the counter.

 

“No, it’s my first time here. I’d have dressed a bit more posh if I’d known.”

 

“Don’t worry, lad; you’ll do.” The barman smiles sweetly. “You look familiar.”

 

“Maybe I’ve just got one of those faces?” Luke’s hand is shaking as he holds the glass.

 

“Is this your first time in a gay bar?” The barman asks gently.

 

“No, but this is the nicest I think. I’ve been to some horrible places.”

 

“You seem very nervous. We get a lot of younger lads coming in with older boyfriends when they’re just edging out of the closet. This is a nice place, we don’t have any trouble. If a lad wants to come in for a quiet drink without being hassled, then that’s what he’ll get.”

 

“I wish I’d known about this place when I was in the closet.” Luke smiles back at him. “I’m meeting someone and I’m nervous. This was his choice.”

 

“First date?”

 

“Yeah, I know him, but we’ve never dated before.” Luke gulps down a mouthful of beer.

 

“Have you ever been to our club in Soho?”

 

“No, I haven’t been to any places in Soho. Is it nice?”

 

“It’s bigger than here, but more crowded. I’m just trying to place you, I definitely know you from somewhere. Not just your face.” The barman neatly pours two beers for two designer suited, middle aged men.

 

“I don’t think so,” Luke says shyly. “Thanks for the drink.”

 

***

 

Craig arrives early, but doesn’t want to appear fussy, and so wanders away to a local newsagent in search of something to distract himself. The butterflies refused to be quieted however. His hands are shaking as he skims through a magazine.

 

***

                                                                                   

“Luke?” Craig squeaks. He clears his throat to try again, but Luke has swivelled around.

 

“Hi,” Luke says softly, his face glowing and warm. “Buy you a drink?”

 

“Yeah, um, can I have a beer please?” Craig asks the curious and attentive barman.

 

“A Stella, isn’t it?” The barman asks smoothly.

 

“Thanks.” Craig smiles anxiously at Luke. “Should we get a table?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Two young men are standing nervously behind Luke. The smaller is blond, barely twenty, and is hiding behind the dark haired, taller, and slightly older man who has spoken.

 

“Yeah?” Luke shifts slightly nearer to Craig.

 

“We um, we were wondering if you could settle a bet for us?” He looks at the blond for reassurance.

 

“I guess we can try.” Luke glances at Craig who shrugs.

 

“Are you a policeman?”

 

“We’re both policemen,” Craig says with a smile, realising where this is going.

 

“Why?” Luke asks, who doesn’t.

 

“Are you the policeman off the telly?” The blond pipes up, apparently losing patience.

 

“There was a policeman on this documentary series,” the dark haired man explains. “And we… well… Sammy thought you looked just like him.” He trails off.

 

Sammy frowns and nudges him in the back.

 

“Yeah.” Luke grins broadly. “That was me. Guilty as charged.”

 

“See!” Sammy whispers to him, and then smiles shyly at them both. “We thought you were great.”

 

“Both of us!” The dark haired man nudges the blond man. “Sorry to bother you,” he says suddenly. “You’re just trying to have a drink with your friend.”

 

“I’m Craig,” he offers, amused at their sudden expressions of astonishment.

 

“Craig? Who you were talking about?” Sammy asks wide eyed.

 

“It’s our first date,” Luke says, glancing across at Craig.

 

“Sorry! Oh, I’m Nat. We’re really sorry!” He digs in his pocket and pulls out a ten pound note. “Have a couple on us, yeah?” He presses the money into Luke’s hand. “All the best!” Nat drags Sammy off before either Luke or Craig can say anything else.   

 

“Gee,” Luke says blankly. “Um, should we find that table?”

 

“Tell us when this runs out.” Craig hands the ten pound note to the barman.

 

“I’m _so_ sorry about that,” Luke says blushing.

 

“Why?” Craig smiles and takes a gulp of his beer. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”

 

“I didn’t mean I was embarrassed of them,” Luke says hurriedly. “I just thought you would be unhappy about people knowing about you. If you know what I mean.”

 

“ _I_ told them who I was.”

 

“They were sweet, weren’t they?” Luke smiles happily. “I wasn’t rude, was I? I’d hate to think I was rude.”

 

“You were great,” Craig says reassuringly. “I think you made their night.”

 

“Well, they’re easily pleased.”

 

“You’ve made my night.”

 

“Have I?” Luke timidly reaches out and touches Craig’s hand.

 

“Can I have your autograph?” Craig asks cheekily.

 

“I think you only want me for my fame!”

 

“And your fortune, you mustn’t forget that.”

 

“Excuse me, gents.” A waiter coughs discreetly. “These are from the party in the corner.” He places two drinks on the table.

 

Luke swivels around and looks at a group of young men in the corner. Several of them wave nervously at them. Luke gives a slightly confused smile and waves back.

 

“Why are they sending us drinks?”

 

“Thanks very much.” Craig nods at the waiter. “Maybe they’re friends of Nat and Sammy?” He suggests.

 

“Should I go and say something?” Luke worries his lip. “I don’t want to upset anyone.”

 

“Do you want me to come with you?”

 

“Do you think they might be hostile? Maybe they saw the programme, and they didn’t like it,” he frets.

 

“They wouldn’t be sending drinks then, would they?” Craig sniggers.

 

“Oh, that’s right, you laugh at me!” Luke grins at him. “You keep the table, and I’ll go and see if they have got one of us confused with someone else.”

 

***

 

“He’s coming over!”

 

“Do I look alright? Crap! I look awful!”

 

“Shush, he’ll hear you.”

 

“Um, hi,” Luke says uncertainly.

 

“Hi!” One by one the young men all shake hands with Luke.

 

“We didn’t want to bother you,” the last one stutters. Luke shakes his hand and smiles back at him.

 

“I thought I’d come and say hello. No one has ever sent us drinks before. Well, no one has ever sent me drinks before; Craig probably gets them all the time!”

 

The group all look at Craig.

 

“Wow, he is good looking,” a tall Nigerian man says wistfully.

 

“Is he going to be on the programme?”  A cute dark haired man with a Scots accent asks, blinking at Luke.

 

“I sincerely doubt it!” Luke laughs. “Listen, lads; it was lovely meeting you all, but I’m worried someone is going to scoot along and steal him!”

 

“Might see you another time, eh?” The Scot suggests. “We come here a lot.”

 

“We live here!” Another one pipes up, and the group rock with laughter.

 

***

 

“Okay?” Craig asks as Luke sits back down.

 

“Yeah, nice blokes. Do you, um, do you fancy getting something to eat?” Luke says hopefully.

 

“I’d like that.”

 

“No cameras, I promise,” Luke says with a grin.

 

“Spoilsport.” Craig winks.

 

***

 

“Good morning!” Luke beams at Kris.

 

“Hello, you’re in a good mood.”

 

“I’m in a fabulous mood!”

 

“And the reason for that is…?” Kris prompts.

 

“The sky is blue, the birds are singing, and life is _wonderful_.”

 

Kris turns the camera off.

 

“You got lucky last night, didn’t you?” Kris says, playfully accusing.

 

Luke smiles blissfully.

 

“I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“Oh come on.  I’ve never you so happy.”

 

“That’s off, right?” Luke checks.

 

“Here,” Kris hands it over. “Stuff the programme; I want to know what happened! You rang Craig, didn’t you? What happened?”

 

“Well, we talked,” Luke says shyly.

 

“And?”

 

“We went out to a bar. Talked some more.” Luke blushes a little. “Got something to eat, talked, and then went back to mine.”

 

“Oh that’s great,” Kris says genuinely. She squeezes his forearm. “So do you think…? Are you going to see him again?”

 

“Tonight!” Luke says, almost blurry with happiness. “Thanks so much!”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“If you hadn’t filmed, then he might never have rung. He thought that I didn’t care!” Luke suddenly flings his arms around her. “Now we can start over properly.”

 

 

The End


End file.
